Hormonal Rant At It’s Worst

     I suppose that we have come to an impasse. My need and desire to write has hit something of a roadblock called frustration. I supposed it is a combination of a few different factors affecting this frustration. I am 31 weeks pregnant, 5 weeks away from my maternity leave, and quite frankly the exhaustion has set in. I am tired, emotional, and my level of tolerance is limited.

     I find that the closer and closer I get to due date, the more my emotions take over. I am not at all in control of my tears for one. I also have a huge hole in my filter. When I would once think about what I would say before I said it, now I just blurt it all out. Some times it gets me in trouble, most time it just gets a shocked look from anyone in ear shot. I suppose that I should probably watch my mouth, but I think I don’t really care anymore.

     Some women have the constant pleasant nature throughout their whole pregnancy. That is great and all, but with the amount of hormones raging through my body, I think I am going to be the kind of pregnant woman everyone will be avoiding toward the end of my pregnancy. I could be over exaggerating a little, but at the same time I have the weird feeling that people are already weary of my presence. I am sure they are just concerned and they want to try and make me comfortable, but at the same time, I am at the point when I am not very comfortable anyways.

     The humor of it all is that this is by far not the end. I have much more to go, and therefore a lot more uncomfortable to get. Even my doctor told me, “…well you know it is going to get much, much worse.” I am thinking to myself, and you needed a doctorate degree and license to tell me that?!?! I mean I kind of figured it’s going to get worse.

     My temperament though has been an even more noticeable issue. I honestly don’t know how Ben puts up with me. I know he loves me, and at this rate he’s gonna love me a lot more. I just notice especially at work I am having a harder time dealing with issues. I am very short tempered, I feel that ignorance is no excuse, and I am almost too blunt when it comes to mistakes. I know that I am not at all perfect in my performance, but at the same time I will take accountability for my mistakes, it irritates to my very core that others will not. But, in addition to that I try to cover my ass almost too much and end up covering up other people’s mistakes. It’s not my job to do two people’s jobs. If you can do it, go home!

     Maybe it’s just with work. I don’t know. I can’t really tell yet. Most of my teary breakdowns are caused either by work or at work. I am praying that God will give me the grace and patience to get through the next 5 weeks. I keep begging Ben to stay positive for me so it can give me the drive to just get through it and then I will be on maternity leave and hopefully the decrease in stress will help. I just keep thinking to myself that it can only get easier at work. I know it will only get harder on my body, but with work, it can only get easier… I hope.

How has work been for you lately? Is it just me or has the level of ignorance heightened in the world today? When you were pregnant or if your are pregnant now, what changes have you noticed in your behavior?


Fit of Tears

     You know it’s been one hell of a week when everyday has involved a fit of tears. This week involved those fits of tears and then some. I can’t tell if the tears have been brought on by hormones or if it from the stress of the days. I am sure it is a little bit of both.

     Do you ever have those days?!?!

Finally at Peace

     I had a conversation this evening in regards to the loss of a loved one. What made me really think, was a topic that we covered where some individuals almost subconsciously know or prepare for their own passing. Some people think that when someone passes that they are just gone. I am not one of those people. I feel like our loved ones, both past and present, linger. Sometimes these loved ones linger in just our thoughts, some in our behaviors, and some times they leave little messages.
     In my life I have had only one significant loved one pass away. I feel very blessed to still have a great number of my loved ones still with me, but at the same time for the one who has passed away, I feel like she is still around in away. Some of the most prominent things that I remember from her that is a daily reminder is my flip flops. She used to always tell me that my feet would continuously grow unless I wore shoes (or at least sandals). She actually went out and bought me flip flops so I would have no excuse, but to wear those shoes. I suppose my love for chihuahuas came from her too. She always could appreciate a good lap dog.
     Well, with this particular loved one, right before she passed away she was in the hospital for a long time. She was quite ill. My parents decided to go down and be with her and my grandpa. They wanted to spend some time with her, see that she got better, and make sure that my grandpa would be ok. Well, after seeing all of her children and finally getting doctors comfortable enough to send her home, she was able to return to her simple home on her quiet street with my grandpa. Now, from what I hear and with most of my assumptions I pieced together how the evening went when she died. After she got comfortable in her favorite chair in the living room, my grandma told my grandpa to get some rest in his bed. At the time she was in her chair, her home, she had kissed her love goodnight and he had done the same for her, and finally she was at peace. She had seen all of her loved ones, she was where she felt most comfortable, and she was finally able to put her mind at ease and let God take her home.
     It makes me believe that she knew that it was her time. She got to see her children and extended family. She was settled with what was coming. She wasn’t hooked up to machines or forced to undergo a million procedures. She was at peace. She knew that God was holding his arms open for her to slowly drift into his grasp and just ease all of her pain. I believe this is how my grandmother passed. I feel like each person will have their own way of passing, but what comforts me is that some of us will be prepared enough to know that it is our time and that by the grace of God, we will be able to go in peace.
     I know that my thoughts may not be shared, but that’s ok. I hope that everyone can experience peace when they pass away. I would hope that would be the norm. I know that it’s not, but at the same time… I would hope that in any future for me or my family that they will be able to come to the peaceful relaxation knowing that they are loved by all of those around them and that they can comfortably drift into the blissful paradise with God and all loved ones who have passed before them.
     Do you have any brief thoughts on passed loved ones? Do you think that people can almost know when it is their time? Do you have any loved ones whom you remember in your daily behaviors or items? If so, what are some of those daily behaviors or items and why?

More than a Monday

     Football season has to be my favorite season of the whole year when it comes to sports. Not only is it exciting, but to me it screams athleticism. You have strong, large men battling it out on the field not only as individual players, but as a team. These players are aiming not only to win the game as a team, but to have a beautiful collaboration of plays, catches, touchdowns, and field goals. It is something that we look forward to through out the off season and count down to each week during the season.

     This season I am participating in two fantasy football leagues. This is awesome for a few reasons… it is really quite entertaining for one. The other thing that I like about it, is it makes you follow all of the games and a number of the players. It is a huge advantage for the football fans out there because it makes you very aware of successes and failures of each team and the players. My teams this week are as follows:

My BAB (Bad Ass Bitches) Fantasy Football Match Up Week 2 – My team is on the right, competitor is on the left.
My Football G’s Fantasy Football Match Up Week 2 – My team is on the left, competitor is on the right.

     I won the match for my Football G’s, but lost miserably in my match for BAB. It was actually quite interesting to see how such good players could preform so poorly. It was a weird week in the NFL for damn sure. What made it worse was my main man, Peyton Manning, was supposed to be my Monday Night excitement. Unfortunately was on the back burner for the evening because I had a Child Birth Preparation class, but that we will go ahead and get back to shortly. I suppose it was good that I had the class, because watching the game would have been pure devastation. One game into the season, Peyton Manning is having some trouble already. I will always have Peyton Manning’s back, but truth be told it breaks my heart to have seen him no longer in a Colts jersey, and struggling after a year of recovery.

     My night was easily distracted from the game because we were in Kaiser’s Child Birth Preparation class. This is a 5 week long class that will help both Ben and I get ready for our little beast’s arrival. He is going to be here in almost exactly 2 months! Can you believe it?!?! It’s almost time. I guess that is why I want to be as prepared as possible. I hate thinking that I could go into something and not know anything. It is one of those things where I would rather be a little prepped for my college course final exam than not prepared at all. I want to know some of the answers to at least get me to pass the class. HAHAHA! I like that analogy.

    This class is just very interesting. I am hoping that it helps me and can prepare me enough with some tools to use for labor. It is nice to see a bunch of other couples that are in the same boat and that we are not alone. I also feel a little better knowing that the people in the class are not quite as far along as I am. It makes me feel like I am reaching the finish line much faster than I actually am. If that makes any sense, of course. The first class we practiced some breathing techniques, focus, and some massage. I know Ben will be the person to help me through it. He has always been the strong one. I just need him to help me focus.

     I am looking for more details with labor, and I got some of my answers this morning. I was able to go to my 30 week doctors appointment this morning. It was one of those things that I felt like I was a little rushed through the appointment, but none the less I was going to get the answers to my questions. In reference to my previous post Birth Plan, I was able to go over:

I prefer to have intermittent fetal monitoring.

I prefer to have a saline lock (a plug for your IV needle) instead of a continuous IV.

I would like to delay newborn procedures (such as bathing, measuring, physical exam, eye medication, vitamin K injection) for one hour so that I have a chance to feed and bond with my baby.

Some of what I found out made me feel like I will be able go through labor in pain, but with some sanity. The midwife did say that in all standard situations when things are going smoothly and normally without induction or issues, then the intermittent monitoring is good so I can walk around. The same goes for the saline lock, it just so that I can walk around instead of being confined to a bed with meds. Then when it came to the details about the newborn procedures, she said that most people will suggest to delay this unless there is a problem. They said the main reason is because it helps with bonding and breastfeeding. She said if there is a problem, then they will let us know immediately, but at the same time, if everything is fine we can look forward to some mommy, baby, daddy time before they have to take him for the clean up. I am good with that.

     Some of the other things that we were able to address today at the appointment is my maternity leave dates. My last day will be on October 27th. I have one month and nine days left, 39 days! I am so ready for that! I will look forward to getting even more ready for baby. Washing clothes, cleaning house, doing dishes, taking care of the wawas and Keidy. It will be so nice to get used to a routine. I am looking forward to enjoying the rest of my pregnancy and attempting to remain comfortable. It will be totally worth it!

So, who were your fantasy football successes and failures this week? What were the biggest let down game this weekend? Any game that was a pleasant surprise this week? Have any of you taken a childbirth preparation class or Lamaze class? What did you think of it? Well, have a wonderful week. I will talk to you all soon.

Work: Labor Pains

     We all know that I am quickly approaching my due date. I am now just 10 weeks away from baby time. This is fabulous for me because I am getting closer to a time where I can be with my baby, but when it comes to work… I am dreading every day.

     Work has been drama filled to say the least. There is always something going on to make me feel more and more uncomfortable. The rough part is I keep thinking that it could be worse, and suddenly it gets worse. Most of it will not directly impact me, but the indirect impact is going to just make life miserable. My position at that office becomes more and more invisible as the days go on. It just makes it harder for me to imagine myself there.

     The other factor of work that has been killing me is my new physical shape. I am constantly exhausted! I am not so much tired, but just drained as a whole. I can sleep “ok” the night before, but then I find myself desperately needing a nap. Driving to work has now become treacherous. I have the hardest time staying awake. The hour long drive there and back have become so relaxing that it lulls me back to sleep. I have also had swelling of my feet. It is practically impossible to put my shoes on sometimes. I actually have to resort to flip flops. Bending is damn near impossible and I find it almost entertaining when I attempt to pick something up. I also have a slight problem with balance so it becomes a real trick. But, what has been by far the most annoying issue is that my hips and legs are having issues. I feel so out of place in an office when I cringe from hip and leg pain.

     What makes it really bad is that my job is supposed to be a customer service job, which means smiles and sales. I am having a hard time with both when I constantly have office drama and physical issues. I have had my boss tell me that I “look like I haven’t slept” and I don’t blame her. She is probably thinking, “What is going on with this woman?!?!” Plus, with changes in the office I feel like I am so unprepared to handle it all. It’s like I have enough going on with physical changes and trying to prepare for a baby, but now you want me to juggle all the new crap in the office?!?! WOAH!

     How has work been for you? When did you start noticing that being pregnant started to interfere with work? Has my office been the only one undergoing changes?

So much to discuss!

     I have been having the craziest week ever. Calling this week hectic would be a serious understatement, but none the less… life continues. I want to back track to last week though for a second.

     Monday, August 27, 2012 – I got some awesome news. Maternity leave is right around the corner. My absolute last day of work (if they even let me work that long) is going to be October 26, 2012. This is good for a few reasons. A) I am already having some serious hip and pelvis pain. I am pretty sure it is in direct relation to how big baby is getting, but it is ridiculously painful and very uncomfortable when it comes to sleep. B) I have a lot that we will need to accomplish for the next few weeks and work seems to be more of a distraction than anything. I almost feel like it gets in the way a lot of the time. C) The hours I am working are pretty exhausting. I have an hour drive there and back, plus 9 hours in between. It’s just a long damn day. Maternity leave will be a God send.
     Sunday, September 2, 2012 – I got to see my best friend. I have to say I love this girl like crazy. She is by far the one person (outside of my family and Ben) that quite literally know me inside out. I am sure at one point or another she has seen me naked, cry, do something incredibly stupid, and succeed. It’s been a lifetime roller coaster with her. I was the person who taught her how to drive. I took her to her first frat party. We have just some awesome memories together.
     So, I was able to hang out with her and it was a much needed visit. I love being able to catch up. I feel like our visits lately have been so spread out, which should not happen. YOU HEAR THAT MISSY… WE CAN NOT TAKE WEEKS TO GET TOGETHER. OUR VISITS NEED TO INCREASE IN FREQUENCY. But, I am so glad we got to talk and laugh and enjoy each other. I needed that and I think she did too. We also brainstormed some fun pre-baby things we can do with my prego belly. We are thinking like the the belly mold, decorating it for Halloween, prego photo shoot, etc. I am hoping that we will get to do them.
     Monday, September 3, 2012 – My 25th birthday. Yes, I am officially 25. YIKES! I know I am not old number wise, but I feel like I am getting old. It’s like where the heck did the time go?!?! I feel like at 25, my life is just now beginning. I have so much coming up that it almost makes me want to jot down notes so I don’t forget it all.
     But, since it was a celebratory occasion, we went to Cheesecake Factory with the family and I had the yummy grilled salmon and of course cheesecake. I must have gotten the best cheesecake in the house because I wanted to melt when I took my first bite. The lemon raspberry cream cheesecake! SO GOOD! I was nice enough to share with the table, but seriously… would have taken it home and done naughty things with it in the kitchen. LOL! Ok, not really… but super yummy.
     After that we had the rest of the night to play board games and just relax. It was really nice to say the least. Very “PG” especially since I wasn’t allowed to drink, but we still enjoyed ourselves. We played dominoes, Texas hold ’em, and then moved to Monopoly. Which, by the way… I will warn you now… Monopoly if not played with patience makes you want to strangle the other players. It is very cut throat.
     Wednesday through Friday, September 5-7, 2012 – Work, work, work, work, work, and more work! No it has not been fun. No, I really don’t like going there in the morning. Yes, I do it just for the money. LOL! I mean work is not that bad, but it’s bad enough for me to want to day dream through out the majority of it. I just keep telling myself 51, 50, 49, etc. more days until maternity leave.
I know most people are able to make it through with out much of a fight, but I feel like every time I go to work I have an internal battle going on. I just keep fighting to stay awake, alert, and physically present.
     In regards to baby… everything is going well. I am moving right along with the pregnancy. He seems to be getting stronger and stronger with his movements. It’s kind of weird to be honest. He likes to do this thing where he either rolls like a rolling pin or like a somersault in my tummy. It makes me feel like a really weird tickle. But, all in all he is doing well. I have another appointment on Sept. 18th. I will let you know how that one goes.
     What has been going on with you? How has your week been? Couple questions for those momma’s out there: When did you leave on maternity leave? Did you do any kind of fun stuff with your prego belly? For all you others out there: What did you do on your 25th birthday? Are there any board games that make you want to kill the other players? If so which one? If not, which is the most intense board game you ever played and why?

Quarter Life Crisis

Why Georgia
By John Mayer

I am driving up 85 in the kind of morning
That lasts all afternoon, I’m just stuck inside the gloom
Four more exits to my apartment
But I am tempted to keep the car in drive and leave it all behind
‘Cause I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdict less life

Am I living it right, am I living it right?
Am I living it right
Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with wood in places
To make it feel like home but all I feel’s alone
It might be a quarter life crisis, just stirrin’ in my soul
Either way I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdict less life

Am I living it right, am I living it right?
Am I living it right
Why, why Georgia, why?

So what, so I’ve got a smile on
But it’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don’t believe me, don’t believe me when I say I’ve got it down

Everybody’s just a stranger but that’s the danger in going my own way
I guess it’s a price I have to pay, still everything happens for a reason
Is no reason not to ask myself if I’m living it right

Am I living it right, am I living it right?
Am I living it right
Why, why Georgia, why?

     This song easily has so many different meanings. I love the sound of it, but mostly… I love that I can relate to it. Not so much because I don’t know if I am living right. More because I feel like life is taking me on a journey that I didn’t know I would take. It has a whole new world coming my way and I know I am ready for it… it’s just… life.

     Tomorrow I turn 25. In the past 25 years of my life I feel like I have done a lot, but not quite enough. I know it sounds crazy to say that, but it’s true. I graduated high school, I got married, and I have a baby on the way… but I still am lacking. I could definitely use a college degree and a career. I need to improve my weight, my activity level, and everyone can always make room for improvement in their finances. I just know that the next 25 years will bring a whole new adventure for me. Motherhood will be a huge one. I am hoping to improve my cooking skills for the wife department.  I just have so much I would like to strive for.

     It won’t make much sense now… but I am going to have much more to say tomorrow since I am super tired right now, but I did want to make the quick post about the song. It is just one of those songs that I love and had to share. Have a good evening everyone.