I suppose that we have come to an impasse. My need and desire to write has hit something of a roadblock called frustration. I supposed it is a combination of a few different factors affecting this frustration. I am 31 weeks pregnant, 5 weeks away from my maternity leave, and quite frankly the exhaustion has set in. I am tired, emotional, and my level of tolerance is limited.
I find that the closer and closer I get to due date, the more my emotions take over. I am not at all in control of my tears for one. I also have a huge hole in my filter. When I would once think about what I would say before I said it, now I just blurt it all out. Some times it gets me in trouble, most time it just gets a shocked look from anyone in ear shot. I suppose that I should probably watch my mouth, but I think I don’t really care anymore.
Some women have the constant pleasant nature throughout their whole pregnancy. That is great and all, but with the amount of hormones raging through my body, I think I am going to be the kind of pregnant woman everyone will be avoiding toward the end of my pregnancy. I could be over exaggerating a little, but at the same time I have the weird feeling that people are already weary of my presence. I am sure they are just concerned and they want to try and make me comfortable, but at the same time, I am at the point when I am not very comfortable anyways.
The humor of it all is that this is by far not the end. I have much more to go, and therefore a lot more uncomfortable to get. Even my doctor told me, “…well you know it is going to get much, much worse.” I am thinking to myself, and you needed a doctorate degree and license to tell me that?!?! I mean I kind of figured it’s going to get worse.
My temperament though has been an even more noticeable issue. I honestly don’t know how Ben puts up with me. I know he loves me, and at this rate he’s gonna love me a lot more. I just notice especially at work I am having a harder time dealing with issues. I am very short tempered, I feel that ignorance is no excuse, and I am almost too blunt when it comes to mistakes. I know that I am not at all perfect in my performance, but at the same time I will take accountability for my mistakes, it irritates to my very core that others will not. But, in addition to that I try to cover my ass almost too much and end up covering up other people’s mistakes. It’s not my job to do two people’s jobs. If you can do it, go home!
Maybe it’s just with work. I don’t know. I can’t really tell yet. Most of my teary breakdowns are caused either by work or at work. I am praying that God will give me the grace and patience to get through the next 5 weeks. I keep begging Ben to stay positive for me so it can give me the drive to just get through it and then I will be on maternity leave and hopefully the decrease in stress will help. I just keep thinking to myself that it can only get easier at work. I know it will only get harder on my body, but with work, it can only get easier… I hope.
How has work been for you lately? Is it just me or has the level of ignorance heightened in the world today? When you were pregnant or if your are pregnant now, what changes have you noticed in your behavior?