I have 39 days until this baby will be here (according to my due date of course). I am looking forward to seeing his little face. I can’t wait to see if he has hair, what color his eyes will be, if he will have Ben’s darker complexion or my fair skin. I keep wondering what kind of personality he will have. I wonder will he have my temper? Ben’s sense of humor? My stubbornness? I just want so badly for him to be out and about with us.

     With the days passing by it gets harder and harder for me to be patient. As the doctors have warned it has also been increasingly more difficult physically. To put it more bluntly, I have a hard time getting out of bed due to hip/back/muscle pain, I cry all the time (probably from hormones), and Peyton constantly uses my bladder and my intestines as a trampoline. I am sure he is having a grand ol’ time in there, but I am having one hell of a time.

     My level of anxiety has also hit an all time high. I know the good majority if not all of it has been self inflicted, but at the same time, it is scaring me no matter how it was inflicted. I have been a person who is always afraid of the unknown, but even more so when it comes to health. I have been taking these labor and delivery classes that have quite frankly come to terrify me. Before I took these classes I felt like I was ok with whatever would happen. I felt like I knew I could and will get through it despite all that I will need to do physically and I will just deal. Now, after all the information I am afraid of meds, emergency c-sections, and what kind of limitations the hospital will put on my experience. Call me obsessive, but I keep dwelling on the “what if’s”. I know I shouldn’t and that it will only make things worse, but my mind can’t help it.

     Last night was the 4th of our 4 labor and delivery classes. I actually had to get up and leave with Ben because I was having a panic attack after they showed us a video about c-section deliveries. The thought of having to have a c-section is what scares me. I am sure if I was actually forced to do it and went through it, I wouldn’t be so bad… but the thought of rushing through to an emergency c-section just makes me scared. Being strapped down, semi-conscious/available for my baby, feeling everything but not being able to see or hold my son… even now makes me freak.

     I know when it comes to delivering my son I will do what I have to do so that we are both as safe and healthy as possible, whether that means natural labor or c-section, we will cross that bridge when we get there. I just know that I am getting more and more nervous as the time passes. I just want to know what to expect. This is my first baby and so it makes me so much more nervous not knowing. Ugh… patience is not something that my son will inherit from me. I am lacking in that department like crazy.

     Well, I am going to try and focus on other things, like getting ready for him. I still want to prep his room, I will be on maternity leave soon and will want to do some of his laundry. I am going to have to figure out when I will be coming over to my parents house prior to due date so I can have someone to drive me in case I go into labor when Ben is at work. Oh, the planning…

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