There have been a few things on my mind lately… most of which are my little minions. Thankfully they are getting a little better each day. I am hoping by next week they will be back to their old active, crazy selves so that life will continue on without the fun cold germs that have been floating around. It never fails to amaze me when the kids show such resilience. I always thought they were so fragile (which, they are… but you know what I mean), but this week of our sicko kiddos I was shocked to see them still playing and going everywhere and getting into everything.
They got over their cold so fast. It just is amazing. I know when I am sick… I am down for the count. But, man… just makes me appreciate my boys all that much more.
There have been a few other things on my mind lately. A lot of it having to do with my “social life” or should I say lack thereof. I know that recently I have been a self made hermit because the boys and I are getting over a cold. That part I understand completely, but the other part… you know the friends part… that is lacking. I enjoy the company of my husband, I really do… but he is (thankfully) not a woman. He knows how to comfort me in the role a husband does, but I need some female camaraderie. I need to know there are other people going through the same “bump & grind” I do on a daily basis. I need to know there are women who understand what I am going through and can offer tips or suggestions on how to deal.
In a lot of ways this makes me feel like a loser to admit this, but I can count on less than one hand the number of close friends I have and one of them is my mother… so I don’t think she counts (sorry Mom). I know some great women from the local MOMS Club that I am a member of, I know a few people from my cooking club, and I know a few others through random connections, but none of which I feel like I am close with and I want that to change. I take all the blame for not allowing myself to become closer with these women because of one huge factor. I am scared.
Making new friends is kind of like dating in a really weird way. You don’t want to scare of potential friends by being too needy, clingy, weird, etc. You want to be yourself, but at the same time you don’t want to freak them out before they can get comfortable enough to really know you. When you are an adult you are predisposed to judge new people (which is horrible, I know, but it’s reality) and so you are less likely to befriend just anyone. Your “life experience” has taught you to guard yourself and it makes finding new friends that much more difficult. With all this being said I am at the point where I am going to be vulnerable. I am going to:
I am going fight the urge to hide from being completely withdrawn and I am going to meet new people. I live in a new area and with my close friends doing their thing, I am going to get over my fears and self depreciation. I am going to just rock me and make myself available for new friends.
What does that mean in the grand scheme of it all? I am going to stop being a big whiny baby over it all. No more pissing and moaning over my loneliness. I am done with the complaining about my friends and whatever drama or crazy bullsh*t is going on. I am going to get over myself and my over thinking. I am going to build roots here and that will start with me.