There is so much going on in our world today. Between the new President Elect, the wild weather, protests, social media outbursts, etc… I am not even going to talk about that. I am exhausted by it and maybe that is what is also contributing to how I feel. So, today I am going to talk about just that; how I feel. Over the past week I have been spoiled rotten. My amazing parents flew all the way out here from California. I have been spending the day visiting with them, playing Uno, learning how to play Hearts, talking about our house, taking the kids out to play pretty much every day, and celebrating Peyton’s 4th Birthday.
I have been overwhelmed with feelings. My comfort, my parents, have surrounded me and my little family with their love for the whole week. Today after dropping them off at the airport I had a panic attack on the way home. Sitting in the quiet in the car (the kids were playing on their LeapPad/iPad) I felt for the first time extremely alone. After having the best company in the world, and being constantly reminded that people love me for a straight seven days, I was alone. My heart felt like it shattered and two big pieces walked out of my van to board a plane to go 1,600 miles away.
For some reason when we moved end of September, it was more excitement for the new adventure we were headed toward. I wasn’t thinking about what could make me sad, like not seeing the people I loved every day. I always thought, “Thank God for technology and FaceTime.” Now, after spending every day with two people I love so dearly and having to let them go, I feel lost. I have my beautiful children and my incredible husband. I am so grateful for them, but after seeing the last of my Dad walk into the airport terminal, I felt broken. FaceTime is NOT the same. Facebook is NOT the same. Phone calls, emails, texts are NOT the same. I want a hug, a game of cards, a night out, a couple drinks and laughs… all these are best done in person.
I knew moving out of the state would be difficult. I knew that being away from everyone I know an love would be the hardest part of the whole transition. I didn’t realize that it would take this long to sink in. And boy, did it sink in. I was a mess on I-35 driving home from the airport. I felt bad sobbing to my husband when he called me on his break. I know I have him and the kids, I just feel almost like I am finally getting to “mourn” or “accept the change”. It’s a hard thing to not be able to bear hug my dad or tease my mom. It’s even harder to explain to my kids why they can’t see their Nana and Papa on a whim.
I do not miss California. I don’t miss the traffic, the constant attitude (or as I like to call it “fancy pants” attitude), the crime, the lack of rain, the high prices of EVERYTHING, etc. I love the LOCATION of where we are now, I just miss my people. I miss my parents. I miss my brothers. I miss my friends.
My life has changed. I have been a mother for four years now. FOUR. YEARS. The time has flown by. I can’t even begin to explain the level of crazy that feels like. Four years ago I didn’t know what it was like to have little people in my life and now I have three of them running my life like its their job (which, in a way I guess it totally is). For those little people to not have the same people in their lives that I did breaks my heart. It makes me feel old and lonely all at the same time.
I have only been in Texas for a little over a month so its just a matter of time before I can settle into life with new friends and more family. I guess I just need to sink into Texas a little more.